If I ever needed a brain transplant, Id choose a sportswriter because Id want a brain that had never been used.- Norm Van Brocklin When I was 13, I transferred to a new school for the first time. I had spent ten years from junior kindergarten through Grade 8 at the northwest corner of Bathurst Street and Viewmount Avenue in midtown Toronto. It was my home court advantage. I knew the roll of the rims and the carom of the walls and which teachers were lax at taking attendance. It couldnt last forever. At some point a promotion was coming, and my record setting minor league career wouldnt matter once new maths and makeup-laden girls challenged all that I had honed. I was heading to St. Andrews Junior High. Grade 9. The Show. Embarking on my first day in the wilds of the public school system, I knew I had to make my mark early. Mr. Pelech, my clever English teacher, noticed my t-shirt just minutes into the first class. It was a tattered, ink-drenched Grateful Dead concert tee. He remarked that "Grateful Dead" was an example of a contradiction. Contra what now? Coach tapped my shoulder and I hopped the boards. I proceeded to argue with a shellshocked Mr. Pelech for several minutes. My arguments were lithe, varied and completely illogical, but I had been trained to stand my ground no matter how ridiculous my position. Eventually, a hapless Mr. Pelech scanned the class and sputtered, "Just who is this guy?" Each one of my classmates shook their heads sheepishly as if to say uh, dont look at me. Mark made. Within two weeks I owned that school. They didnt realize the repressed explosiveness that ten years of private school Yiddish lessons would unleash. It is in this brazen spirit I introduce myself to you now, Dear Reader, as your new weekly columnist for Bardown. Why was I chosen as The One to guide you through the international sports landscape, particularly with so many scribes vying for your sports-saturated eyeballs? Commence the elucidation (AKA bring da noize): Basketball. This is my wheelhouse. I know all the lyrics to Kurtis Blows Basketball and I have for decades. I own a Sweet Georgia Brown-humming Harlem Globetrotters pinball machine from 1979. I still play pickup every week at a local high school against stiff competition in their very extremely late twenties. Also, I was an associate producer for the Toronto Towers of the NBA for nearly 500 games, post-games, pre-games and exactly five playoff games. Ooh, another thing, I call the Toronto Raptors the Toronto Towers because I have some self-respect. Baseball. I spent five teenage summers selling peanuts outside the Dome under the alias Mike Simmons. Despite a promising career as a sidearm Eephus pitch-throwing specialist, the leagues advanced scouts were never able to unravel the mysteries of my potential, because apparently throwing over the plate was a "prerequisite for success". Racists. I submit that using the All Star Game to decide home field advantage in the World Series is akin to the winner of the submission portion of Americas Funniest Home Videos determining the nominees for The Oscars Best Picture award. Also, you can thank me for getting the old Blue Jays logo back, as days after writing this piece, the marketing director for the Jays was following me on Twitter, and months later a new logo was born. Also, my therapist says I have something called a narcissistic personality disorder. Football. In 1998, I moved to Los Angeles to pursue the dream of being rich and famous which is why you know me so well today. That same year I became a fan of an upstart outfit known as the Baltimore Ravens because I thought Ray Lewis was almost definitely innocent of murder and I am obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe. Fifteen glorious seasons later I have two championship rings (made of foil and buttons) as my testament. I have correctly predicted, in pre-season, the Super Bowl participants for 13 consecutive years and I defy you to prove otherwise. (Note: Please dont reference my Twitter feed. Just be cool. This claim is all I have.) Hockey. I worked camera on the 2003 documentary A Day in the Life of the Maple Leafs so I know a thing or two about hockey. Well, exactly two things. One, when I was eight years old, my teenage neighbour convinced me his Mats Naslund rookie card could be mine for the extremely low price of my 1979 O-Pee-Chee Wayne Gurtski rookie card. (Note: I have forgotten how to spell that particular Edmonton Oilers name. At least my night terrors have subsided.) Two, I have developed an algorithm demonstrating the NHL to be the worst run league in the history of Industry. It involves a complicated geometric measurement involving my eyes and common sense. (A fact I will gladly prove over and over again until they, oh I dont know, realign the conferences to have an equal amount of teams. Lets start there.) Fantasy Sports. I Am Legend. In its heyday of 2001, my sprawling website, mikegallay.com, was a sports fantasy powerhouse boasting 16 writers covering all sports, catering to an audience of nearly 16 unique daily readers (and fans of ravines who misspelled mygulley.com). Chances are, if you were a Canadian sports fan in the early 2000s, you were reading articles about topics we also covered on mikegallay.com. The Professor And Mary Ann. I will happily cover all the secondary sports every time a participant either murders someone, is attacked by a spouse using the tools of their own sport, has sex on camera on TMZ, or breaks an important racial, cultural or gender barrier while also keeping our interest for more than eight minutes. Thats my pledge. Am I the precisely correct author to bring you whimsical, satirical, deadly accurate analysis of the sports that matter to you? Absolutely. And can I say that with total sincerity because part of my contract stipulates I have no editor? Two for two. Have I earned your attention to read my column next week? Lets put it this way. My topic will be 23 Ways to Make Over 7K a Week Working Part Time From Your Couch. My third column will be Bardown Seeks New Columnist, No Experience Required. Gallays Poll #1 What would you like to see Gallay write about in his next column? a) A 20,000-word essay conclusively proving Mike is the third Williams sister. b) Doug Gilmours Secret Recipes for 3am Snacks. c) My Weekend In The Hamptons With Barry Bonds. d) No column, just use this space to expand Badminton coverage. Thomas Welsh Nuggets Jersey . -- Zach Johnson asked his short-iron approach on the par-4 18th to "Do something right, baby. Paul Millsap Nuggets Jersey . The 28-year-old from Rochester, Alta., was selected by the Redblacks from the Saskatchewan Roughriders roster in the 2013 CFL Expansion Draft. http://www.nuggetsprostore.com/kids-mali...nuggets-jersey/. Amaro broke the NCAA all-time record for receiving yards in a season for a tight end with 1,352 during his junior campaign, eclipsing the mark of 1,329 set by Rices James Casey in 2008. Dikembe Mutombo Jersey .S. Olympic hockey management team have been making what he called "ghost rosters" since August. Nikola Jokic Jersey . Philbin said Thursday he wants players to treat one another with civility and he wont tolerate anything less. In taking questions for the first time since Ted Wells released his report into the bullying scandal that rocked the league, Philbin made it clear things would be cleaned up.DENVER - Josh Kroenkes slip of the tongue even made Arron Afflalo smirk. The Denver Nuggets president explained Monday how he has closely "Afflalowed" the shooting guards two seasons in Orlando, before reacquiring him in a draft-day deal last week. "Afflalowed? I have followed," Kroenke quickly modified to laughter, "Arrons career since he left here." Theres no mistaking this: Afflalo has developed more of an all-around game since the Nuggets dealt him to the Magic on Aug. 10, 2012, as part of the blockbuster four-team, 12-player deal that also involved Dwight Howard. Back then, Afflalo was viewed as a defensive specialist with a solid jumper. Now, hes got more of a shooters mentality. So much so that Kroenke introduced him as a "new Arron Afflalo." "Arron took a lot of steps in his own growth over the time he was here and has since taken more steps," Kroenke said. "Im proud to see him doing the things hes been doing down in Orlando." The 28-year-old Afflalo is coming off a season with Orlando in which he averaged career highs in points (18.2), rebounds (3.6) and assists (3.4). He also made 128 3-pointers. This season, he will be reunited in the backcourt with Ty Lawson, who was one of the first to congratulate him after the trade that sent promising young point guard Evan Fournier to the Magic, along with a pick. "I want to continue to improve as a player," Afflalo said. "Im going to do my job, work hard this summeer to put myself in the best position.dddddddddddd" In some ways, Afflalo feels like he never really left the Nuggets as he always kept close tabs on his former team. And yet plenty has changed in his two-year absence. Namely, George Karl being replaced as coach by Brian Shaw. Afflalo is ready to take on whatever role Shaw has for him, whether its as a scorer or simply being Afflalo the leader. "My job is to make sure Im capable of getting that job done," Afflalo said. "I have no problem doing whatever coach asks of me." Thats the way he was with Karl, too. Afflalo couldve been a different type of player — more of a scorer, perhaps — in his first go-round with the Nuggets. But thats not what they needed, especially in the years when they had Chauncey Billups and Carmelo Anthony on the floor. "There are probably a lot of things I probably could do back then," said Afflalo, who will wear No. 10 for Denver this season. "But its not my job to come in here and prove I could score points with the lineup I was starting with three years ago. "These days, Im a lot more confident all over the court, whether its posting up, shooting 3s, being available in the fourth quarter, being someone you can rely on in the fourth quarter." As for his defensive tenacity, that will always be a source of pride with him. "Thats part of being a complete player," he said. "I expect to be at a high level on both ends of the court." ' ' '